recounting the last days of college before I travel into the abyass
Published on January 10, 2008 By Tom Reifsnyder In Humor
Don't read this......


So ya, I have a confession to make. This is tough for me. If you don't want to know some very personal information don't read on....seriously....you will never think of me the same.....


Okay...here it goes...I PICK MY NOSE!!!! Man it's good to let that out. I've been doing this since I was able to reach my nose. It started out so innocently...I was young then, curious, so I did what all young and curious kids did...

I was scratching my nose and my bridge, the part between the two holes, was especially itchy. And I have big fingers, let me tell you!!! Ladies, it not always true : (

So just scratching that part it a tightrope act that few can succeed at. Also to add to the difficulty, I was running, Because little kids run everyone. I don't know why. They don't have anything to do. They get up at like 5 in the mourning, its not like they will be late for something....

Anyway, I'm running, and tightroping, when my index finger looses its footing....Then it falls into the great Abyss that it my left nostril. If you are facing me it would be my right nostril, for further clarification.

I finger looks around, like a paratrooper attempting to find his or her (damn 21st century) barrings. It looks creepy, all these hairs, ugh, its nasty, and my finger is wet. So as fast as I
possibly can I try to yank my finger out of my nose. However, I only move the first appendage of finger, making a hooking formation. This makes my finger even more expanded and causes the edge of my finger to scrap against the wall of my nostril.

As I do this the pressure applied to my nostril wall forces a large slim "wall booger" to to become de-tached from the wall and to re apply itself to the said finger. With all my strength I pull my whole hand as it gets by the final and thinnest part of the nostril.

That's when I saw it a slim green "whatever" I had no idea what it was. Then I remembered..... My uncle used to steal my entire nose. Perhaps a nose is simple to detach, and I had torn off part of my nose.

Then I thought, what if I can't put it back. Then I panicked...my whole life flashed before my eyes. I knew what I needed to do. Once again I traveled into the great Abyss that is my left nostril!

This time I was more familiar with my settings. But was I crazy. I almost killed myself attempthing to escape this prison last time. I searched and searched for the section that was missing. However the surface seemed very flat to me.

I was running out of time. I had yet to learn how to breath out of my mouth so air constantly gushed through my nostril. I was pulling me in then pushing me out. I fought to gain some stability against the strong waves. Then I started to get light headed. I couldn't find the spot on the wall!!!! If it was not part of my body once again I might die.

My entire nostril was filling and deflating like a ballon. Each breath getting weaker and each breathe taking more force to muster. With my other hand I felt my chest. My heart was racing. I was running out of time. Then I became desperate. If this part of my nose was not given back my body I would surely die!!!

With that I knew what I needed to do. Attaching it to the nose was no longer possible. But it needed to be returned. I decided to abort my mission in the naval passage and to readdress the situation. Now with the "thing" on my finger again and looking at it. My breathing continued to suffer. My eyes began to close. and thats my body fell....down to the ground.

I could not move, my hands were pinned below my body and right before my eyes. But the "thing" was gone. At that moment I searched all over for it. I couldn't move my hands, but wriggled my body, searched every corner with my toes and even flicked my tongue around my mouth. Then I felt it on the very roof of my mouth. They say that when you are about to die you know the 10 seconds before it happens. I began to cry at my inevitable doom. As I did this I could feel entire body relaxing. But with my last effort I decided to try to attempt to swallow the "thing". It had managed to kill me, but if left unchecked it could perhaps destroy the entire world.

So with my last effort I scrapped the roof of my mouth, grasped that SOB and swallowed it. As My eyes started to close my sister ran into the room. As my eyes closed I smiled, knowing I had protected those that I loved.

Then my eyes re-opened. All I could see was a might flashing in my eyes. I looked around. I saw my family and a few people in masks. I was in a hospitall!

I looked at the doctor, straight in the eye and asked what was that "thing"

He looked back at me and became very serious. He looked down attempting to fit his words in the best combination.

Then he looked back at me and said "That thing was asthma."

Comments
on Jan 10, 2008
Blech.

There's this great new invention called a tissue. Give me your address and I'll send you a box.